by Jon Edward Edwards
I hit the lottery on memorable events somewhere because I can’t go one week without an oddball occurrence, mishap, run-in, fight, folly, or near miss. It’s the self-satisfaction and confidence earned through the triumphs that are sprinkled in that gives me strength and keeps me going. My craft’s beauty is that it is all at my disposal. Like colors to a painter, my failures are as useful as my wins.
Lest anyone think I exaggerate or embellish, “No way he has THAT much drama…” Let me give you a glimpse. Below is a note to (let’s call him) Pete, the former President of the Homeowner’s Association of the condominium complex where I reside, after learning of the accusations stated from my friend and landlord, Lucky Lang. Many of you are aware of my unnatural opposition to authority. Pete, as an authority figure, had run-ins with me before.
Pete,
I heard you were coming over for the water heater inspection, so I figured I’d write you a note. I regret we got off on the wrong foot. It happens. Believe it or not, I’ve made many friends that way. Once you cut past the bullshit and two guys who butt heads get to know one another, the next thing you know, you have someone you can trust. I’m not saying that’s going to be me and you. That’s up to you, I reckon. You seem like a cool enough dude to me. Everyone else seems to like you. I don’t have problems with anyone else that I know of. Therefore, theoretically, there’s no reason you and I shouldn’t get along.
Unless, of course, one party has a skewed sense of the rules. Suppose I do have a wayward sense of the regulations. If so, it’s not on purpose or in malice. It’s usually, sometimes inadvertent, in support of one of my activities, as I am an active guy. That said, my being here is predicated on one thing as far as I can see: not being on your wrong side. Therefore, I’d like to address the issues I’ve heard floating around in the ether and hopefully get everything straightened out.
A little setup before delving into the first item: Pete and another Board member accosted Will, my son, for skateboarding in the parking lot. They were aggressive and mean to him for the wrong reasons. Will had it on video; I watched it. Those who know me can guess how I reacted – not favorably. It took me three evenings to replicate the result. Finally, I drew out half of the opposition. Let’s just say that the conversation went in a different direction than it had with Will.
Skateboarding – This goes back to the beginning with an incident with my son in the parking lot. Dr. Brown and I had a good conversation in which I explained the nature of skateboarding and how it’s no different than riding a bike, scooter, or these motorized things you see everywhere. For some reason, skateboarders are held to a different standard. Lucky told me that skateboarding came up in a Board meeting, and the consensus was that nowhere did it say you “can not” skateboard in the parking lot. However, in good faith, I’m more than willing to concede and agree to obey some kind of rule about not skating in the parking lot.
Pool Shower – I came unglued when I heard this accusation, for I have never, ever, not showered. Then I asked my son, Will. He told me that, upon returning from the Keys this summer after an exceptionally nonproductive lobster season, he had gotten in the pool without showering. He never uses the pool. However, I ended up with COVID while down there and couldn’t perform the cleaning and rinsing protocol associated with the gear for such an activity. Therefore, Will did it for me. It was during this time that he committed the infarction at least once. I scolded him, reminding him that such a thing was forbidden and that he should not do it again, and sent him to his room. Yes, that’s a joke. I hope you’re laughing. I must clarify that however satire-heavy this may be – it is sincere. It’s just that it’s hard not to write what comes into my head when I’m writing. I guess that’s why they call me a “creative writer.”
Boat in the parking lot – I’m guilty of this one. Lucky said there’s something in the rules about a temporary trailer. I should have looked into that before I took it upon myself. The thing is, Pete, I just got my boat running, the fish are biting, and I had a charter. My folks sold their place on the island and moved. Along with them went my place to keep my boat. Therefore, I keep it at my friend’s in town. Considering I fish out of Goodland, about 10 minutes from here, I elected to keep it here overnight (a couple of nights) instead of traveling back and forth to Naples (65 min round trip). I did that, and I’m sorry. I won’t do it again. However, I would appreciate discussing a possible “temporary” scenario.
Poopoo in the dumpster – I am from the Piney Woods of North Louisiana, and I reckon we were a little late in the indoor plumbing concept. That said, wouldn’t it make more sense for a fisherman to be seen putting something stinky in the trash to be fish entrails? Which is what you saw. I put the bucket in a plastic bag, tied it up, and then put it in a bag – set in the dumpster. I got down the road and thought, Naw, I better get that out. Not because you saw me but because it was the right thing to do. But when I opened the dumpster and leaned in to grab it, I realized the smell wasn’t any worse than regular trash – or so I thought. Therefore, I left it. Again, wrong choice. This won’t happen again.
Please ask if I’ve left something out or if you have any questions. I hope this sheds some light and cheer, maybe win me some points with you. Like I said, you’re the one guy it pays not to piss off. No wonder I’m in perpetual debt.
Jed Edwards
Pete never got the note, and the Board of Directors had a change in membership before I got around to delivering it, rendering it moot aside from #3 (Boat in the parking lot) – which I am in the process of negotiating. Pete is different without the responsibility. We fist-bumped the other day. It’s a start.
